Feelings Off

I have been very unmotivated for quite sometime now to write leading to a big gap between posts. I'd like to say I've been too busy and haven't had the time, but that is so far from the truth. 

New Post Coming Tonight

Sorry for the length in between my last post and now, I apologize. I also want to apologize for my page being a little glitch and many different templates being switched around. I am currently updating the site and a whole new look and many new features added to my writings. It will be managed on wordpress, and I will have a redirect that will take you to the new site using the current address you're familiar with.

Deaf to Why

                                                                                

        I write because I want to write, don't ask me why, I say this yet I get asked all the time, why do you write all the time, come out and hang out tonight, lets get slammed, other nonsense and the like. When you have a dream to achieve and you want it more than anything you don't need to give people your answer as to why you're doing what you're doing, that's a question that is imp laced in a conversation between you and yourself, that's it, no one else needs to know you're reasoning. When people started to ask me what I was doing this summer and I proceeded to tell them I'm working on a book, I received many laughs, to be honest, I laugh harder at them intrinsically knowing that their laughs are out of jealousy, because while they're working a dead end job or any career field really, just to make a quick dollar and cash it in for a new car or some other material possession that really, pardon me, doesn't mean a rats ass, I laugh. I have no more of a response to the question why than I would to someone asking me the most complex theories known to man and how the atoms and neutrons made stars, evolved to fish and monkeys and us and what not. People have thrown away words of admiration towards an individual doing something they love and brings them clear and utter joy, to pass out our insults and show our low self esteem for the day at it's finest display.

Anxiety

"Anxiety is the natural result, of when our hopes are centered on anything but God and his will for us."

                                                                                                                                                        Billy Graham

        

        I'll use a few quotes from an article I received from my father throughout this post, he had left it on the kitchen table wide open on an article Billy Graham wrote back in early 2009. The article was titled, "The Cure for the Anxious Heart". MY dad left this open knowing my anxiety problems. They'd been their my whole life but started to get more severe and sometimes result in a panic attack, this was one of the reasons I ended up seeing a psychologist, which as many of you know that follow my blog, this is when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. After reading this article and knowing how much Xanax a day I have to take, is it possible that my anxiety isn't as much related to a chemical imbalance, or more to due with the fact that my relationship with God has been more than lacking lately and never been fully sustained. Anxiety to get a new job or a promotion at the one you already to have, anxiety in college to pass your chem. lab because you know you've been slacking the whole semester which inevitably leaves you with an F going into finals week, anxiety in every aspect of life comes during the times when we are farthest from God and depend solely on ourselves to get through the hardship we are currently in, which the majority of the time, leaves us heartbroken and confused, and in the most tragic cases, a life lost because the anxiety in their life coming from their parents, the job they had and taking a full course load at a major university got to them, and they couldn't take the hurt and weight of the world on their shoulders so they decided the only option they had, was to end their life.

        

        Billy Graham goes on in his article to say, "When we make anything else our goal, frustration and defeat are inevitable.". We look for things for happiness that are material and at sometimes black and white sin, we know they're wrong but they make us happy so we continue doing them. The goals we strive for should reflect what we want in life and who is giving us that want, you can make that a humanly figure for yours, or you can reflect God. I don't reflect very often, actually I rarely do, but the point of starting this blog was indeed to help others see what I've seen and to stand up when you've dug a thousand mile hole and don't know how you'll ever get out of it and repay people what you owe them for your sins. Well here is something great about God, you don't owe them for your sins, you owe God, you repent and ask for his forgiveness and you then strive to do perfect. Perfect is unobtainable, but when you strive for it, you're striving for the greatest thing you can. Perfect isn't a number in sales you completed or an amount of money you made this year or how well you do in school or even the girl that's at your high school or college known as "Virgin Mary", no, perfect is reflecting God's perfection and his beauty to the best of your ability, sharing that reflection upon the world, and doing everything you can and all you have, to leave behind lives you touched all over the earth, leading them to God as you once were in their same shoes. That's what perfect is. We all can be perfect, we all can. Whether you're an ex-convict, on drugs, left your children, ruined your life completely and have no clue how you'll ever be able to fix your parents, murderers, adulterers, liars, people with pride and boast, those who are quick to anger, anyone and everyone on this earth that once was and continues to be, you are a beautiful creation, don't let someone hold you down, and tell you you're any less.

        

        If someone want's to try and drag you down for being different for changing your life, you change theirs, don't abandon them, bring them to the point where you are, and that will bring your more contentment than even when you fell in love with God and realized this is what you had to do, to actually be you.

        

        It's discipleship, one brings one to God, them walks with him and brings three more to the lord. This can be done, I've heard many say once you've came to have a relationship with Christ those that bring you down, you need to separate yourself. I agree to this to an extent, maybe when you become a new Christian the pressure and possible negative comments those friends will throw you, will bring you down if you aren't prepared, but this is again, where discipleship plays part, once saved your are walked side by sided with a disciple and shown the ways of are heavenly father and how to, eventually when the time is right, disciple others, which leaves me to believe that that will be the time where you could reach your friends again, those that you weren't prepared to reach at first.

        Prior to these last few paragraphs I mentioned my anxiety problems and how I feel they could and are caused by my lack of a relationship with God. On top of this relationship lacking I have now discontinued my enrollment at the school I have been at upon graduating high school, which is Oklahoma State University, leaving there to finish some general education requirements and follow my dream of becoming an author, which is a goal in which I hope to have my first book published by December of this year, titled, 'Perfect Imperfections'. I know one thing indefinitely, I'm going to need an editor and publisher, so for all of you reading this, please send and email my way if you don't mind and have anyone in mind that could set me up with either of this industries. Pressing on to the topic of anxiety. When I seen the release year of this article, as I mentioned, 2009, I figured to an extent it would be outdated, well, I was wrong. It is outdated in the form of time, but in the form of accuracy, not so. Billy Graham talks about the biggest anxieties we face, those being the ability to have and supply ourselves with food, clothing, shelter, and money. Not a thing has changed since the release of that. We have these anxieties because many of us, living in this time and day, are living pay check to pay check, so we fear that the unexpected will happen and not have the money when the bills come, many of us in fact so called Christians forget God in times like these and when they turn out wrong, we blame him and sometimes deny him. Now I'm not saying I've never doubted God, because I fought with him and even his existence for a year, but that happens, you know why?; we're human beings and we fail and sin and make mistake after mistake, yet we have someone that can forgives us and clear our conscious after shedding light on things and letting us have an opportunity to correct our actions. When doubts come, take a step back and one that leads you outside, look at the beauty and brilliance of the earth. How the wind blows the trees and the birds fly as free and light as they can be, reflecting the amount of anxiety they have in their hearts. Watch a sunrise in the morning, and that night watch a sunset, and explain how "Science" and their Big Bang Theory just so perfectly placed everything the way it is. On a breezy summer night with your loved one by your side laying down with you on the dew glazed grass looking up at the billions of stars hanging as if held by strings in a European Theater, dangling perfectly with a shimmer of the most brilliant diamond you have ever saw, and then with that feeling and sight you see those diamonds in his or her eyes, those diamonds not being present to anyone but you two. Science can give me every reason as to how man and earth were evolved and came from atoms and neurons and all things I very well know exist, but very well know that atom came from somewhere, I believe, that God may just have put that atom there to create the existence of earth, bit of a crazy theory, but God works off faith, not sight and physical presence, he did that once, and we mocked the one he sent and put him up on a cross. I believe that by putting that atom there and giving us every explanation as to how the earth and man came to be but leaving the most important piece of the puzzle a mystery, where, where did that atom come from, by doing this, Christians, have to have faith, he demands it, and this shows our trust and loyalty to him.

        I may look irrational to many, but I'd rather be care free and irrational than rational, because at least I have hope.

        Billy Graham left the message, with an alter call, for those that don't know what that is, it's when a pastor welcomes those who are not saved, have not accepted Christ as their lord and savior, to lay down their life for him. I'm going to leave on this note.

*"O God, I am a sinner. I'm sorry for my sin. Forgive me. I want to turn from my sin. I receive Jesus Christ as my Savior; I confess Him as my Lord. From now on I want to follow him. In Jesus' Name. Amen.**

If you just prayed that prayer, you are now saved, from your sins, and have a spot and heaven waiting your arrival, you now have hope, every day of your life from here on, you just got a clean slate. I encourage all of you or any if you go to Church or know anyone that does, contact your pastor or youth pastor and tell them of your decision, so you can now be descipled. If you feel comfortable I'm always available by email, if you would like to leave me and email I can get you plugged in somewhere and if not do the best and most I can do to make sure that happens. For those of you that prayed that prayer, I welcome you as a brother or sister in Christ and promise you just made the best decision of your life.

THank you,

God Bless

P.S. THank you for your patience on the length in between my last post and now, I highly appreciate it. I have many post saved up and ready to share, so more to come.

Insomnia

Intoxicating nights but I get no sleep, insomnia creeps in like an unwanted thief.

I lie awake dreading the dawn for I know before too long another day is upon for I am here but actually gone.

Restless at heart and mind looking for ways to occupy my time as I lie awake in worry like the ground below me hopes for the weatherman to say pouring rain, and while I wait I sit in pain thinking about the ways that could, should, and would of been one day, if I just hadn’t put my selfishness in the way.

I can’t go on like this but I must otherwise I’ll go back where I came from, a meaningless collection of dust.

Sleeping was meant for living and living was meant for seeing and seeing was meant for believing and believing was meant for saving and the end, was made for dying. Yet, I set trying, trying for better things but I let them slip away, and at the end of the day my crying that comes from the idea of dying, leaves me in shame.

Let's try some poetry

Days go by and I know there must be a God lookin down from the sky, yet I still ask why?
Why does the grass continue to grow and the sun agree to rise when all that was once good in this land decided to die.
Hunger and corruption, racism and war, go on once more as the government and powerful few, wipe there brow and count there bills with pride as if we never knew.
Life isn't fair, unless it's in love and war, but that'r rather contradicting if you stop and think, because we all know these two things lead to pain.
See, we all ignore the call we once awoke every day to proclaim, now we turn our back on a high and mighty spirit in the sky as if in shame.
One day we'll see it all fall and put the wonder to the side as we knew this was all that mattered, after all.
We had pastors and prophets, poets and folk lords, all telling us as if they were Bob Dylan that the Times-are-a-changin', yet we were too blind to see the need. We all had them tell us it was surely true, yet we all came together as one for just an instant, and for the reason to sing a song we continue to sing as we cast these wise few aways.
Days, they continue to go by, and I cast my why's aside and watch my brothers and sisters look up to the sky, and turn to one another, asking why?

He's a poet, and he knows it

Bob Dylan,

Thats all I have to say……

Just kidding. Bob Dylan, he’s a poet, yet many over the years have criticized him for years do to his rebellious lyrics and rants and the rough voice he blares them with, the problem that these critics have, he’s different, and he doesn’t care. A strange thing there is about being different. The thing that is odd about it is the fact that many care about what others think about them, those people stay contained and never let their real talents shine through. The one’s that our different, they let their light shine through and get criticism for it. This just simply, isn’t right. Da Vinci, Michael Jackson, Steve Jobs, Thomas Edison, Jesus Christ, Elvis Presley, John Lennon, Alan Watts, and on and on and on. These are just a few examples of people that could care less what people thought about them, and look where they went in life and the footprint they left on society.

God Bless us “weird” people,

Thanks