Do we benefit society? The earth in which we live on, we continuously destroy this wondrous journey we received as a gift to simply explore. We were given a chest, or a suitcase, and within that fill with the contents that made peace to us, and became one with us. The first time you walked, and fell down. The first time you remember blowing out the candles on your birthday cake. Your first crush, along with a kiss, your first love, the time you lost her, the time you found her in the rain, tangled up in love with you. The time you seen her in all white and her father walking her down to you, to have as yours, and protect. The time you had your first child. The time you seen them blow out their candles on that first birthday. The time you see them walk out the door and tell you they love you, as they go on to take the world by the throat and use all you’ve taught he or she to conquer it . You now have no words to say how you feel about having to let them go, they’re no longer yours to protect. The time goes on and on, and then the time comes where you look at the past 70 years of your life and wonder how you got here, then you look over to your wife, and still see and smell the rain on her skin, on that night you almost lost her 50 years ago. This is when you take that chest you were given and stow away all these precious things, for you know there’s not much time left, so you have to make the most of what you have left. So I say stow away all these things, all of ten, this, this is life, we all know how unfair it is, and how nasty it can be. For when these moments happen, these that bring us happiness, love, laughter, tears of joy, and sorrow over a lost one, stow them away. We get one life upon this earth. There is so much evil, so much wickedness here, but what there is more of, more than anything else on this earth, is good. We sometimes choose to ignore it, say there’s no way any good could come out of this, or that, or him, or her, but there can, and will be a way. WE must come together in the times of need in our lives, and take a good look in the mirror, and ask ourselves, do I love me, do I find myself enjoyable to be around? If you can’t say yes to these questions, then how would others answer these questions about you? If your existence isn’t benefiting the earth, then why are you here? You’re wasting your life away, only to leave with an empty trunk and a head full of hurtful memories you couldn’t let go. My experience, I’ve told you the bits and pieces, I’ll press on. This is my story, and this is when I was wasting my time.
Living and dealing with Bipolar Disorder isn’t easy, it’s really damn hard to be completely honest. Up until a month ago, I struggled, and limped in my heart, I couldn’t process, everyday task became obstacles, life in general was a euphoric state of mind. I was mindlessly wandering around looking for a life I once had, looking for friends I once had, but they weren’t there. I blamed them for awhile, then blamed myself, then started to take out my frustration and sheer anger that came with these feelings of guilt and depression through the use of my medication in large amounts, to the point where overdosing wasn’t a question when I opened up the bottle. I would stay up for days upon days, upon days, smoked cheap cigarettes, let my physical health take a beating, lost 28 pounds in a six month span, at points from the hits my health was taking, and functionality of my internal organs slowly shutting down, it would be just me, and a bathroom sink, lunging over it crying and dry heaving to the point where all I could get out was coughs that carried blood.
Eyes bloodshot at all times, dazed and confused, wrinkles under my eyelids along with the purple skin to accompany them. I lived a reckless lifestyle, and the medication was supposed to make me, “sane”, and “normal”. The only thing it was helping me do was push every, single, one of my loved ones, out of my life, till, soon enough, it was just me myself and I, and occasionally the shadows on the wall, or the random one night stand girls that would come over. Suddenly I had lost it all, the popularity, my girl, my friends, my faith in God. All of this sounds so cliche, and it will sound more so when I continue, but let me just say, cliche is a word you should throw out of your precious little head, this was a the closest I could be to a living hell, without actually winding up there. Suddenly, going to class wasn’t a priority, waking up wasn’t either, because when I finally could go to sleep, it wasn’t out of will, it was simply our of instinct from my body. See, I didn’t have insomnia, what I had was fear. With my lack of will to live, and my health being worse than some cancer patients, I was afraid I wouldn’t wake up. So my diet to keep me wake for two to three days, was nothing but adderall after adderall, at times the effects of them weren’t even noticeable, so I’d double up, putting 60mg of instant release amphetamines directly in my system at once, then when that was beyond the point of feeling, I’d occasionally take one out of the bottle, cut it in half, take a half, crush it up with a butter knife, arrange it in a pretty line, and snort it up like a coke addict, sending my heart into an instant whirlwind of high bpm’s.
I’m nowhere, by any means proud of this chapter of my life, but, it’s shaped me, it took me through places and valley’s I never thought I’d be in, and after, when this story ends and a new one begins, you’ll see where I am today, and how by the grace of God, I pulled through a nightmare. The person I was then, and who I am now, well, those two people will never be the same, and I thank God every day for that.
SOme things many people don’t get to see unless they’re a drug addict or living a completely mentally unstable life. One of those things, I experienced twice, staying up throughout the night, and watching the sun rise up over the hills, glistening it’s light off the water, and revealing pure and raw beauty. Then there would come the sunset, int he same day, showing it’s final presence with the dawn, then gradually bowing and saying, “I hope you see me tomorrow Brandon, just stay strong.”. I can’t explain why or how, but in those moments of seeing and experiencing that beauty, I felt, normal. I felt alive and well and like God was smiling down on me, showing his presence with that ray of light. I wouldn’t do anything with this mercy though, as soon as I had captured that moment, I would go back into my apartment from the porch, turn around, lock the door, draw the blinds, and sink back into my pit of depression.
I was crazy, I hated that word and being called it, but I knew I was deep down, and I think that’s why it bothered me so much looking back now. I tried to go to the library, and coffee shops, because there were my friends, people I had never once spoke to, never seen, I didn’t know them, they didn’t know me, and that’s why they were my friends. They knew nothing about my past or present, they knew no mistakes I had made or people I had hurt, they just seen a junkie looking kid who was scared, and they didn’t care. But that’s when I realized that these people were nothing more than sheer human beings, and exactly as I said, they didn’t care, never once was I asked to join them, eat or sit and converse, I was alone, and eventually this just made me feel more helpless.
I used to look at people and think, I’m better than them, look at what I’m driving, and wearing, and doing, now, showing up in places, smelling like smoke and looking like hell, I was getting those looks from those around me, the judgmental looks I once cast on society. I knew what they were thinking, because I was once them, just a few months before those moments. I knew I couldn’t keep living like this, every day I’d say, tomorrow, I’ll step forward tomorrow, but it never happened, I wasn’t a man of my word, and a man is only as good as his word, and I couldn’t even hold that to myself. This is when my all nighters turned into all day and night sleepers. Take a Xanex, run a hot bath, take another Xanex, maybe drink a beer, take one more occasionally, and to go sleep at 11 p.m. and wake up at 5 p.m. the next day, feeling worthless.
I remember waking up one time and going into my kitchen to find open pizza boxes from my day upon day ordering in so I wouldn’t have to go outside and see the sun, it started to hurt my eyes. To my surprise, or should I say not, I went into the kitchen that morning looking for my meds, and to my surprise, or should I say not, I was out of my Xanex, and instant feet and anxiety hit me like a hammer.
I can’t even recall the next days to follow that fear and calamity. The only thing I can remember was the vivid hallucinations from withdrawals. Vivid images of people being beside me, or following me, or being outside my bedroom window, or on my porch, and hearing my name constantly being called out yet no one was within a thousand feet in sight. I was terrified, and for the first time in all this, actually was fearful for my life, and if I was granted them, the days ahead in this.
There comes the point where you recognize something, to put it into a Bob Dylan perspective, there was a quote I once seen by him, “If you don’t dig you, how do you expect others to dig you.”, forgive me if that isn’t completely how he worded it. I didn’t dig me, in fact, I had sheer hatred for myself. I seen another person in the mirror, a coward, someone that threw it all away because he expected people to be there for him, when he was never there for them in the past when they need him. I seen someone who was using his sickness as a crutch, rather than a motivation to do better, and fight for a normal and consistent life. I seen a disgrace to God and the creation he had made. I seen death in the form of a lifestyle.
I thought, what now, well, so what now? I was a young man that had lost all dreams, goals, ambitions, hope, friends, love, life, my mind, and even my heart.
The rest is yet to come in this story, for this a story far too long for a brief sit-down. But I will throw in a spoiler and say this, I’m alive and well. I’m able to share this story because of the love of Christ and his grace that he has for me and had for me during this trial in my life and faith. I was released of this binding ball and chain that had been a disease in my life. I was set free, and because of this, and my savior, I’m able to share this story today, with you. If I can’t do anything through this, but one thing, I hope that this saves someone, and brings them to God, that’s all I pray and ask for.
I’ll finish with a quote, by a man named Jim Valvano. As Jim said in a speech given at the Espy’s during his last year of life, before he was taken by cancer, some of his last words were, “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up.”
“If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that’s a full day. That’s a heck of a week, you’re going to have something special.”
Jim Valvano.
God bless.
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