My title of this blog that I came up with might sound a little funny to most, and maybe that’s because I’ve not been very open as to why I named it this. Well, here it goes. Last summer, summer of 2012, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I remember sitting in the doctors office after I underwent several psychological evaluations over the past few weeks prior to this, and they, without a doubt, knew this was my diagnosis. I didn’t take it very hard, in fact I thought it was a joke. Little did I know what the next seven months had in store for me. I walked out of that office with a lot of information packets and guides to inform me just what I was dealing with. I went back to my apartment, and after about an hour or so of reading and research on the internet, the punch was a lot harder than what I received at the office. One out of ten people with this disorder get married, out of those they have a higher chance of divorce than the average rate of the rest of the citizens that make up the US, which is around fifty percent. I found that this is something you can’t cure, medication and dieting the right way along with exercise were the best way to cope with the effects and moods, but I seen that as more of a tylenol, just something to cover up or temporarily take away the pain. I know the pain I had dealt with over most of the course of high school, the secluding myself for several days, then being on an all time high and spending ridiculous amounts of money, which belonged to my parents. I remember the constant insults, that I was a spoiled brat, that I was an asshole to girls, that I was just a worthless person. I remember the constant sex I sought out to try and find happiness, the things I would by to try and find happiness, the things I would do to try and cope with my depression, my anxiety, my sheer anger. It all started to piece together and made sense. Most would of felt a sense of relief at this point, knowing what it was that had been causing all this and that now they could be treated, me, ya, I told people this and went along with it, but inside, it felt like a demon was eating me alive. Going into the school year, my third semester of college, things had gotten a little better, I was on a mood stabilizer, along with adderall and vyvanse for my adhd symptoms that came with the disorder, but it would only be a matter of time till I’d see a second massive degression. A girl I can honestly say I was in love with, that I had met at the first of the summer and dated all the way through, she helped me, more than the medication, then, a sense of guilt started to take over. I felt like I was a burden to her, and not just her, but others around me as well. I ended what was saving me everyday from myself and the other person I had turned into suddenly, this wicked man that was not me, but that I had to fight back, I didn’t know I would need help so bad, until I lost her. I had landed an internship with a good company, and felt for a brief moment that I was on top of the world. I pushed her away and eventually ended the relationship. It’s not easy to bring up all this, it does hurt, and laying it all out on a screen, seeing word for word what has happened in my life, it’s something I have a hard time coping with, I do this though to get this out of me, and attempt to move on completely, and be new. It didn’t’ hurt at first, I felt like I had the upper hand, and she fought everyday to get me to open my eyes to what I had done, and win me back over, but I wouldn’t have it. Instead of taking her advice and getting back my love she gave me, I through it in her face. I went out and would find girls that she knew, and sleep with them, and made sure she heard about it. I started to drink again, ignoring my limit and just shove it down my throat till I would be to the point of passing out. I ran from her and God and everyone else that gave a care, I even ran from my parents. Ignoring phone calls and being an asshole to everyone around me became a game to me, at times I honestly enjoyed it, and looking at that now, it makes me cringe to see how dark and twisted I had became. I recall going home for the first weekend since I had left for the summer, and all weekend just going at my parents left and right, because they didn’t know how to deal with something that had just been laid on me. I stayed up one night, and just looked around the house, at baby pictures and many others of me growing up, and for the first time in about three months, I had a heart, and cried like a child. I wanted to go back, I wanted to fix things, this hurt me worse that anything had so far, because I knew it was too late and there was no turning back.
The night I arrived back to Stillwater, Canon had been texting me and wanted to meet up. We talked for awhile, and I kissed her, and I felt it. I asked her to stay the night and she did. Before going to sleep I told her, I can’t promise tomorrow, I can’t promise that this is what I want again, so you’ll know, I’ll either call you tomorrow and tell you I’m ready, or you won’t ever hear from me again. Like a fool, I turned my phone off that day, cowering up and refusing to talk to her or deal with the situation at all. I ran from her, and she broke down. She came to my apartment one night a few weeks later, and knocked on my door, when I opened it I could tell she had been crying. She handed me a letter, and told me she loved me more than I would ever know, and said, if you ever decide to change your mind, come pick me up and take me on a date and we’ll do this again. I laughed, said ok, walked into my bathroom and tossed the letter in the trash. If I had known what was in that letter, my life may be completely different at this very moment.
This is a story that I’ll continue later, the details are in depth, the story is true, the pain still remains, but I’ll throw in a spoiler for you.
By the grace of God I have been saved and did make it through this darkness in my life, and I can promise you can do the same, if I can help anyone, if anyone that reads this and my blog needs something, something in life is defeating them, feel free to contact me and I’d love to talk to you and do whatever I have at my disposal to get you through, and seen what I did. My email is brandonwwayne@gmail.com Don’t hesitate to send me your story or situation, and I’ll give you more of mine to see what we can put together to save a life, or a mind.
Always remember this.
Jeremiah 29:11-14
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
12 "When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen.
13-14 "When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." God's Decree. "I'll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you"—God's Decree—"bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it.
God Bless
No comments:
Post a Comment